


Time after Time

by amandroid



Category: Game Grumps
Genre: AU (sort of), Angst, Bisexuality, Depression, Drug Use, Heartbreak, M/M, Masturbation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-25
Updated: 2016-10-06
Packaged: 2018-08-17 03:56:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8129554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amandroid/pseuds/amandroid
Summary: sequel to "lovebug season" After years apart, Arin reconnects with Dan, the stoner college student who got stuck in West Palm Beach and left with a piece of his heart. Now they've both changed except for the feelings they've had for one another, which aren't so easily forgotten. Will this be their chance to make a fresh start?





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> First chapter is a flashback. The second chapter will pick up where the first fic ended.

Dan stared blearily at his desk, his head swimming and his throat constricting before letting out a series of harsh coughs then carefully as he could, stowed his bong back under his bed.

 

_Time to do...something..._

 

A moment crawled by as he passed his sweaty palm over the thin cotton sheet before he remembered, giggling to himself. Digital camera, right.

 

He pulled the covers off and lurched to his feet, already feeling uncoordinated and stupid as he scanned the room before muttering 'There you are...' to the suitcase stashed next to his desk, pulling out dirt-blackened socks and underwear before finding the camera and a tangle of charger cords at the bottom.

 

He remembered dimly Deb saying something about posting the pictures he’d taken of his road-trip in the rare moment he was out of his room, silently making Top Ramen on the stove at 1 in the morning. He'd grunted something in acknowledgement but otherwise said nothing. She seemed worried from what he could see but he dodged any questions by saying he was sick to explain his otherwise listlessness and omnipresent puffy eyes since he got home.

 

It was hard to know where his heartbreak ended and actual sickness began, driving through the South on nothing but pot, melted candy and fast food and sleeping in his car to save money. He’d worried that it might be serious enough that Deb and Avi might take him to the doctor but he hoped just being home and having regular food might alleviate that worry and give the illusion that everything was fine. For the moment, he just wanted everyone to leave him alone for a while. He couldn’t take the idea of Deb and Avi worrying over him, of being disappointed in him.

 

The first few days back home he spent lying facedown in bed and playing Radiohead’s "The Bends" over and over, staring at nothing in particular, only leaving to go into the kitchen and raid the fridge or to the bathroom and then locking himself back in his room.

 

He'd made up his mind driving back home he couldn't tell anybody about Arin. What could he even say about it? Deb might understand, Avi maybe less so. He wasn't sure what emotion he was feeling, the closest a wistful happiness tinged with sadness. He didn't regret what he did with Arin but he was less sure if that changed anything about him, whether that made him gay or not. Most of all, he couldn't trust telling anybody about it, positive they wouldn't understand. It wasn't a mistake or a weird one-off experiment, it had meant something to him.

 

Dan huffed and sank onto his computer chair, pulling the clothes draped off the back as he turned the computer on and hooked up the camera to the USB port.

 

He sighed and tapped his fingers on the desk, waiting for the pictures to import. He didn't realize he took that many. The computer chimed once it was done and he started to scroll through the pictures.

 

They were in chronological order so the first ones were of the Everglades: the fan boat, the bayou, the alligator farm, the picture his friend took of him squatting down on the alligator’s back with his hands holding its jaws closed, smiling with half-hidden panic.

 

Then the pictures moved on and...

 

Dan's breath caught.

 

It was so strange. Without realizing it at the time, all the pictures he'd had from West Palm Beach were subtly or unsubtly pictures with Arin in them. Some were incidental: pictures of Arin from the back walking somewhere or Arin in profile as they were looking at something: pictures that Arin just happened to be in. The others were less so: pictures of Arin laughing or smiling, making goofy faces or doing over-the-top anime poses, Arin making an exaggerated silent scream at an anoli lizard crawling on his pant leg, eating ice cream at Dairy Queen. There was one of them sitting outside the Dairy Queen that Dan had taken of both him and Arin that he paused to sadly smile at. They were squished together, shoulder to shoulder, with Dan holding the camera in front of him to get them both in the shot. It must have been taken in the late afternoon because there was a glare on the right side of the picture as Arin was squinting, his head moved to the side away from the light and leaning his forehead against Dan’s shoulder to shield himself from the bright sun but smiling.

 

God, he must have been the biggest idiot in the world not to see it now, how open and carefree Arin was in those pictures, looking at the camera (at him) with such a fondness, it made his heart hurt. 

 

Then he remembered with something akin to dread the circumstance of the next couple of photos.

 

After they had sex, they only had another day and a half before his car was fixed and he had to leave. The morning after their night together, they had breakfast at IHOP and Dan tried not to giggle into his pancakes at Arin rocking back and forth and squirming in his seat like a fussy toddler after being “deflowered". (Arin’s words, not his.) He had felt sorry for Arin but he didn't seem to be in any real pain, just a little sore.

 

He also remembered why he had the camera. They went back his hotel room and he was sitting on the edge of the bed listening with something like to horror as Arin took one of the loudest shits he had ever heard. At first he’d worried that he’d gotten diarrhea from the food but it turned out Arin just had weak intestines and he was always like that. After he’d showered, they had just laid in bed as he tried to soothe Arin’s soreness as best he could with loving touches and kisses, which turned into a tender, post-breakfast grope session. 

 

The first picture was a blurry extreme close-up of Arin's arm as he realized what Dan was doing and was playfully shoving him, trying to squirm away. The next two or three were also blurry pictures of Arin moving out of frame.

 

But the next ones were focused pictures of Arin smiling shyly into the camera, brushing his hair back behind his ear, wrinkling his nose and trying not laugh, smirking, his mouth hanging open, his tongue lolling against his lips like a dog in heat.

 

Dan's eyes darted guiltily towards the bedroom door. The first couple of pictures he could explain away if anybody else saw them ("Oh they're just pictures of my friend I met in Florida. He's really cool."), but how could he explain having pictures of a guy lounging naked on a dirty hotel bed and licking his lips like a porn star?

 

Dan leaned over, cupping one hand over his mouth as he continued to click through the images, his cock beginning to stir with interest.

 

 _I should just close this. Find the most appropriate pictures, put them on MySpace and forget about the whole thing_ but he found he couldn't. As sad as it was, these were the only tangible record he had of his time in Florida, of Arin, and the sluggish arousal sitting in his lower stomach was blending uncomfortably with those bittersweet, gushy feelings Arin brought out in him; feelings he’d cried himself sick over.  

 

The pictures moved down, as he had taken them one-handed as he was leaning over Arin's body, his other hand invading the frame as it felt along Arin's naked body. In his mind, he could hear Arin clear as a bell: the breathy pants, the way his voice broke a little as he said his name, the tender growls, the gasped out curses.

 

He was getting close to the "money shot" and he knew once he got to it, he wouldn't be able to stop himself from jerking off to it, as sad and pathetic as it was. Jacking off to Arin (he still couldn't come up with an appropriate word to describe Arin like “boyfriend” and soon gave up again) in his parents' house at his old computer, his throat burning, his hands twitching madly.

 

But there it was, sitting on his SD card: Arin spread-eagled on the bed, one hand loosely curled around the base of his shaft, the other hand laying over his inner thigh with his legs drawn up, presenting himself to Dan.

 

Dan exhaled hard, his hand quickly diving into his boxers. _I'm so disgusting. I'm so fucking disgusting._ He gave his restless cock a squeeze before sloppily spitting into his hand and closing his fist tightly around it, trying to mimic the way Arin's inner muscles pinched so tightly and so perfectly around his shaft, like they were made for each other.

 

He gulped and hunched over, leaning his forearm on the desk as he tugged on his cock, trying desperately to be quiet as the wet, slippery sounds filled the otherwise quiet room. He had to be fast. He couldn't trust the world to be merciful enough to grant him privacy to finish this filthy embarrassing task uninterrupted. Avi had been good before about knocking on his door and not bursting into his room unannounced but he couldn't take that chance now. His only son stoned out of his mind and frantically jacking off to a picture of a naked guy. He'd never live it down, not in a million years. 

 

Just having these pictures lit his guilty conscience on fire. _I have to delete these, I SHOULD delete these...later._ Once he started, he realized how backed up he had been, too apathetic to do much of anything over the past few days as far as pleasure himself but started, he realized he couldn’t stop, not until he had his release. Even with spit, he could see with the way he going at it, he was going to chafe when this was all over and done with but he couldn’t bring himself to care or slow down.

 

He furrowed his brow, leaning over his desk, panting through his open mouth, his vision going spotty, not even looking that closely at the picture of Arin anymore. He’d already memorized enough details of it just in case a knock came at the door and he’d have to minimize the window, picturing himself spreading Arin wide open and burying himself over and over again in that tight heat as the Arin in his mind writhed and wailed, looking up at him through the mahogany strings of hair hanging messy over his flushed face with eyes full of desire.  

 

In his state, he realized he wasn’t getting a good angle with his hand constantly bumping clumsily against the inside of his boxers and with an impatient growl, he wrenched them down with his free hand down to the middle of his thighs, only faltering in his movements for a second before he continued pumping furiously.

 

“Shit…” he panted aloud, grabbing a fistful of hair and tugging on it desperately, squeezing his eyes shut and hissing as the tingles in his scalp coursed like electricity through his body, heat pooling and collecting in his lower stomach. He was close and his mind spin to keep focused on Arin, any details that would carry him over the edge: the way Arin’s brown eyes darkened and dilated, the uneven line of his teeth catching against his shaft, his red bee-stung lips, Arin worshipping his dick with his greedy tongue, Arin’s warm hands moving and exploring over his body, clutching at him like even then, he did want to let Dan go.

 

Dan gulped. No, focus. He was so close, he could taste it. “Arin...baby…” he breathed, maybe hoping that saying his name, as quietly as he could muster, could conjure up a vivid enough picture of Arin to carry him over the brink.

 

The day where everything fell in disorder, pushing Arin onto his stomach, pinning him down...he imagined his hands gripping those wide, almost child-birthing hips and pushing deep inside and being met with a symphony of inarticulate, needy noises from the younger man underneath him as he clutched as the sheets with a white-knuckled grip, really milking him and taking him in deep.

 

With a strangled cry, his body seized as he shot an unbelievably hard load on an area just underneath his desk, spilling onto the carpet and dripping unhindered down the side of one leg. He took his clean hand off his hair and gripped the side of the particle-board desk, swimming in a sea of warm, satisfied feelings he felt he didn’t deserve as the tide of his orgasm rolled back, his cock pulsing but spent in his hand. 

 

Licking his dry lips, he grabbed the mouse, moving the cursor and highlighting the whole collection of pictures of West Palm Beach, of Arin, ready to just dump the whole thing in the Recycle Bin...and paused.

 

He sneered at himself as he could feel his cum drying sticky to his lap and against his calf. He moved to the desktop and quickly right-clicked to open a new folder, transferring the pictures there. Deleting them was too impulsive to do, especially in his state of mind now. Maybe in a little while, he could decide for sure what to do with them, besides give himself the opportunity to use candid pictures of Arin as future spank bank material.

 

Not feeling creative at the moment to come up with a name that wouldn’t be suspicious, he labeled the new folder ‘florida’. Rising from his computer chair and wobbling like a newly born colt, he grabbed a dirty shirt and threw it over the cum stain under his desk, pulling up his boxers and slouching to the bathroom to shower.

 

\---

Arin bit the end of his pencil and frowned as he looked at the smudged curve that was supposed to be Dan’s cheek before erasing it again, for the third or fourth time. He cursed under his breath. He should give up on this. He never thought to take any pictures of Dan when he here and now he was starting to forget his face, the picture in his mind getting hazy and more indistinct, drifting further and further away like Dan’s car as he watched it recede into the distance.

 

His heart gave a painful pang and he fidgeted on his bed. He couldn’t do this again, reliving the pain. He was becoming a real asshole, snapping at his friends online for no reason or ignoring group calls while he animated. God knows why he still he had any friends, just feeling both parts sullen and irritable.

 

That was the worst of it, not being able to tell anybody. He had to stuff everything deep down and pretend that the whole stretch of time was a strange, summer anomaly: Dan was here and now he wasn’t and nothing notable happened in between then. He definitely didn’t replay the night over at Dan’s hotel room over and over again and grind himself down on his blanket while clumsily slipping his fingers inside himself, muffling his pants against the cotton and squirming with frustration that he couldn’t completely recreate the feeling, the feeling of being filled. Whole. Complete.

 

At his lowest points of self-loathing, he had all but made up his mind that what he’d wanted was too gay and pathetic to obtain and he’d forever be stuck wondering what if. Now that it had happened, he didn’t realize he’d crave it so much. Not just having Dan inside him but the whole experience; being touched, being kissed, being wanted.

 

With huff of impatience, he ripped the page out of his sketchbook, balled it up and threw it across the room, almost ripping out his earbuds in the process as he flopped onto the bed in defeat, squeezing his eyes shut.

 

_God, it hurts. Everything hurts._

 

It wasn’t even the same feeling he’d had when he broke up with Suzy. With less time together, everything about Dan felt compressed, smashed together into one big brick. Thinking about one specific memory that was on its own happy meant jarring against another memory that led in a chain to the very end, watching Dan’s dark blue car disappear from view and feeling his heart crumble like a dry sandcastle.

 

No, he hadn’t completely stuffed everything down inside. He drew and he tried to pour out his emotions in his old high school diary. The stupid angsty feelings seemed totally at home within those pages and it helped he was never in any danger of his family finding it.

 

But it didn’t help. It didn’t help that his hoodie still smelled like Dan. Mostly the smell was of pot but there was a strange blending of different other kinds of smells like Skittles and whatever brand of deodorant Dan used that was just unmistakably Dan’s scent as well as the damp spots that had been Dan’s tears. When it was late enough, he’d put it on and play his mix of J-Pop on his iPod and snuggle within the fleece, pretending Dan had his arms around him from behind, holding him, there to kiss his tears away and call him ‘big cat’.

 

He hated it, hated how Dan leaving had him feeling this way, mopey and pining and sappy. This must be how a rabid animal feels, he thought: they know something is wrong but it’s nothing they can wrap their minds around. They can shelter from the cold, eat when they’re hungry, sleep when they’re tired but when they’re rabid, they have no way of understanding why things don’t feel right. It’s nothing they can do, so they just foam at the mouth and snap at anything that gets in their way. He didn’t know whether or not to just sleep forever or go on a rampage and tear everything in his room to shreds.

 

He wriggled his body to the side, pausing the song on his iPod. The most he could do now is distract himself. Climbing sideways off his bed, he crawled over to his Super Nintendo and put in “Megaman X”. As the game loaded, he grabbed the controller and clambered back onto the bed, flopping down so that his head was propped up but the rest of his body was slumped and completely inert.

  
The optimist in him (a very small part) knew that he’d get over it eventually. It hurt like hell now but they’d still keep in touch. “It’s not going to be forever,” Dan had said. Then why did he have the feeling that that had been a lie to make him feel better? What was so important that Dan couldn’t stay a little longer? Had _he_ not been important?

 

Arin frowned and pinched the bridge of his nose as he tried to will the frustrated tears away. As much as he wanted to, he couldn't bring himself to be that pissed off at Dan. It was like getting mad at a dog: they look up at you with those confused hurt eyes completely uncomprehending of what it is they had done wrong. Mostly, he wanted to be mad at somebody but there wasn't anybody really to be the target of his anger. Instead, all the hurt boiled inside him like a sick cauldron. 

 

Arin huffed.  _It's not going to be forever,_ he reminded himself. He hoped that would be true soon. 


	2. Just Like Starting Over

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Picking up where we left off...

He knew if he had his way, he and Dan would have forgotten their dinner plans and spend the whole evening just fawning over each other just outside the restaurant, in a friendly way of course. But having Dan here right now, he couldn't trust himself to not act the fool in public. Hugging was already pushing it and he hated how uneasy the thought of people seeing the two of them sat with him. 

 

Finally, he was able to steer Dan inside, if only for appearances sake. He had to remember that before this unexpected reunion this was supposed to be collaborating on a project but even with that in mind, he couldn't focus at all on it. All the things he wanted to bring up when Dan was some stranger who he was a fan of went right out the window and once they were seated at their booth and drinks were ordered, Arin couldn't make up his mind exactly what to say first. All the things he had wanted to say to Dan when he was a lovesick teenager seemed stupid now in hindsight. Even getting mad at Dan for not coming back to Florida seemed like a stupid, petty thing to do. How many times had he "promised" to do a commission or animate a little thing for somebody and flaked or just forgotten? Too many times to count. 

 

An eternity seemed to pass as Arin sat, rolling the edge of his teeth constantly over his bottom lip, blushing and resisting the urge to just gaze at Dan from across the table with stars in his eyes before Dan was the first one to speak. 

 

"Can I say something?" Dan asked, smiling at him fondly from across the table.

 

Arin looked up and then back down the place settings, a smile tugging at his lips. "Yeah, sure."

 

"I like the little streak in your hair."

 

Arin smiled wider as he tipped his head forward, fussing with his hair to better show off the blonde streak. "Aw, thanks. It's...it was going to be sort of temporary but it sort of became my signature."

 

"I like it. It suits you." Dan laughed and shook his head. "Still, though...I can't believe you didn't recognize me right away."

 

Arin pouted. "Yeah, well...'Dan' is a pretty common name, plus...it's not like I knew your last name either."

 

"Uh...you do know that 'Sexbang' isn’t my REAL last name, right?," Dan said with an amused smirk.

 

"I know _that_ , God!" The mock outraged tone in Arin's voice made Dan laugh out loud. "You know what I mean." He exhaled. "But yeah..."

 

Dan swirled his straw in his tumbler of Pepsi, the ice cubes clicking against the plastic cup. "It's...weird. Well, not 'weird' but..." He sighed. "It feels like we're meeting for the first time, like...all over again. It almost feels like a past lives kind of thing." Dan's eyes shifted. "I mean, I'm not really the same person I was back then anymore. I just was so..."

 

"Druggy?," Arin suggested. 

 

Dan rolled his eyes, more at himself than anything. "Yeah but also...I didn't know it really at the time but I was depressed and had OCD. What happened didn't really help but I sort of masked whatever I felt with weed because I felt...it's hard to describe but very emotionally withdrawn, y'know? Nobody really knew what I was going through and I tried unbelievably hard to keep up a front that I was okay when I wasn't and I didn't know why. I just didn't want anybody worrying over me and making me feel like I was...broken."

 

Dan's hazel eyes narrowed and he sighed heavily before continuing.

 

"It felt so weird with you because the way you made me feel just snuck up on me and I wanted to be more open but at the same time, I didn't want you seeing too much of the sad, pathetic person I was underneath all the chill stoner bullshit."

 

A memory, half-forgotten, crept into his mind; something he hadn't understood much at the time: Dan practically pulling his hair out because of simply forgetting to get the condoms and lube for their night together and a strange sense of defeat that things didn't go as planned. If he had tried to make sense of it at the time, he thought it was just perfectionism or Dan's effort at being romantic, but it hadn't been. He couldn't help admonishing himself for not seeing it then but Dan had no idea then at the time, either. 

 

Dan huffed and rubbed the side of his face, losing his train of thought before straightening in his chair. "Sorry. I didn't mean to...dredge all that up."

 

"Oh no, it's okay-"

 

Dan rolled his eyes, sneering at himself. "It's definitely not something to start out a conversation with someone you haven't seen in years. 'Hi, Arin! Nice to see you, oh, by the way, I was depressed!'" He laughed humorlessly at himself and took a long gulp from his glass.

 

Arin's eyes widened, taken aback. "No...I mean, I had no idea but..." He shrugged. "Then again, I understand. Not with depression but just...at the time, I was so confused about whether or not I was bi and when we first met, I had this overwhelming feeling of 'I like this guy a lot' but I thought that feeling would go away and when it didn't...I just...panicked."

 

Dan chuckled, raising an eyebrow. "Showing each other our dicks was you panicking?"

 

Arin ducked his head, passing a hand over the back of his neck. He’d all but forgotten that that was what did it, changing the entire dynamic between them. "Kinda? I just...wanted to spend more time with you and it just…y'know."

 

Dan’s mouth quirked in thought. “Though...in a weird way, had you not done that…” He trailed off and shrugged. “I don’t know...but...I’m kind of glad it happened, if that makes sense.”

 

"Yeah?"

 

Dan nodded. "Yeah, I...really don't have any real regrets about what happened, except...leaving, but only because I had to."

 

"I know. I mean, I get it now but at the time, like immediately afterwards, I was really pissed like 'if Dan loved me, he would have stayed', just..." Arin rolled his eyes. "I was...heartbroken."

 

"Well...so was I...," Dan answered simply. 

 

Arin couldn't help his heartbeat quickening as Dan reached over and placed his hand over his own, rubbing his thumb over the star-shaped plastic jewel on his ring.

 

Arin blinked, his gaze softening. "What...happens now?"

 

Dan's eyes shifted. "I...don't really know. It depends on a lot. I did plan on moving out here because of work."

 

Arin's heart lept. Dan was staying? "Really?"

 

"Mmmhmm, but not for a couple of weeks. I need to get all my stuff out of my apartment in New York, find a place, you know...boring adult shit like that." He laughed softly before his expression became serious. "Other than that...", He propped his elbow up on the tabletop, holding his head in his hand. "I don't know. Honestly, I'd say it's up to you. If...you want to..." Dan's eyes took on a hopeful light, searching his. "...pick up where we left off, we could.”

 

Arin fought back a shiver at the thought. When their breakup was still fresh, he thought nothing more of being with Dan again. He felt like Rapunzel, stuck in his tower, waiting for his prince to come and rescue him in his beat-up dark blue Kia that smelled like pot and fast food...but as time went on, he had to make due with the fact that Dan was not coming back.

 

That was all over now. He was with Suzy. He was happy with her.

 

Dan shook his head. "I'm sorry. It's a lot to think about right now. We can talk about it in a few weeks after you've mulled it over....Arin?"

 

Arin started, looking up. "Oh, y-yeah! I'm just...I'll think about it."

 

Dan smiled warmly, making Arin’s heart melt into mush. God, he thought he'd never see Dan smile ever again like that, for him. "I did have one regret, though...That we never had the chance to get to know each other better before everything that happened...happened. I just felt terrible that I fell in love with you and..." Dan swallowed the emotional wobble in his voice, "... I hardly knew anything about you and you probably knew just as much about me. So...whatever happens, I want to start all over, get to know the real Arin..." He paused and raised his eyebrows, indicating he wanted Arin to give him his last name.

 

"Hanson. And I want to know the real Dan..." he imitated Dan's expression, making Dan giggle.

 

"Avidan."

 

Arin smiled, happy on the outside but in turmoil on the inside thinking about Suzy. He loved her, truly and honestly. He didn't want to break up because of Dan but at the same time, it wasn't fair to go behind her back and cheat on her. He wasn't that kind of person. He just wasn't. On the other hand, he couldn't tell Dan about Suzy and risk losing him again. What if Dan never moved to L.A. because of it? What if Suzy wanted to break up or he had to make up his mind about who loved more: her or Dan? It was too much to think about now. He needed more time. 

 

The dinner itself was very quick and perfunctory. They didn't talk about a lot, just general summaries of each other's lives from when they last spoke; for Dan almost two bands ago. It was strange, the opportunity never came up to tell Dan about his animation, considering they met around the time he was starting to get popular on Newgrounds and Dan never brought up he was into music, though Arin had guessed he played guitar by the calluses on his hands.

 

It wasn’t a drastic change but he soon got used to sober Dan, having fallen in love with perpetually stoned Dan: his voice was much clearer and brighter, he didn’t cough at all, while they talked he didn’t trail off or zone out, his eyes didn’t look bloodshot and glassy and even from across the table, he smelled a lot better. He wondered if he seemed completely different from the person he was when Dan met him except for the blonde streak and the shorter hair, plus since he’d been in California, he’d put on a few extra pounds, which annoyed and frustrated him to no end.

 

When they were done, they left the restaurant and idled in front, Arin's heart doing expectant flip-flops in his chest.

 

"I had a good time tonight, Arin," Dan said, smiling and putting his hand in his jacket pocket.

 

Arin brushed a lock of his hair behind his ear. "I had a good time too. Will you give me your number, just so we can keep in contact until you come back?"

 

"Sure..." He took out his phone and Arin fumbled to take out his as well and they exchanged numbers.

 

Once they were done, Arin exhaled and swung his arms in an effort to stall for time. "Soooo, where are you staying?"

 

"At my uncle's...why do you ask?"

 

Arin scoffed, shaking his head. Was he coming on too strong? "N-no reason, just...wanted to know."

 

"Heh...for the record, I'm pretty sure my uncle might have a problem with me bringing somebody home." Dan's expression sobered. "Did you tell anybody about-?"

 

Arin quickly shook his head. "No. It seemed way too...sad and weird to tell anybody about."

 

Dan's mouth quirked to the side. "Same. It seemed a lot more complicated back then to categorize everything but...you're really the only guy I've felt that way about, before or since."

 

Arin felt tempted to tell Dan about his celebrity guy crushes but quickly changed his mind. Despite his stance on his own sexuality, the chances were very slim he'd ever have sex with Gackt. "Me too. I..." He winced. "...thought about doing something about it but it felt too gross, the thought of meeting somebody else just to hook up with."

 

Dan's hands were raised, like he was about to say something or make a move but he dropped them and then pointed over his shoulder. "Do you want to sit in my car? Just...we're out in the open and-"

 

Arin nodded. "Yeah."

 

Arin's heartbeat quickened as he followed Dan through the quiet parking lot, fidgeting as Dan unlocked the doors and he quickly climbed into the passenger seat as Dan slid into the driver's seat.

 

Arin's breathing felt impossibly loud compared to the relatively quiet sounds of Dan's car keys jingling in the ignition and the faraway sound of crickets.

 

"...Arin?"

 

Looking up, Arin could see Dan sitting in the driver’s seat, his shoulders hunched forward, one hand on the steering wheel and his chest rising and falling with heavy breaths. He turned his face toward him, his hooded eyes unsure. Lost.

 

"Is it...fine for me to kiss you?"

 

Arin exhaled so hard, he thought his ears would pop. It was just a kiss. A kiss would be fine, right? "Yeah..."

 

They both turned sideways at the same time, misjudging the positions of the seats and the console in between blocking them from getting close as their knees hit the plastic.

 

Dan’s head bumped against his, panting against his temple. "Um...backseat."

 

Arin laughed with relief. "Yeah, good idea."

 

Quickly they both slid out of their seats, closing the front doors and opening the back doors before tumbling hapzardly into the cramped backseat, already out of breath until he felt Dan cup the sides of his face and kiss him so tenderly, it made his whole body ache as he pushed his fingers into the longer tangles of Dan's curly brown hair, desperate to hold him close.

 

"Fuck, I've missed you so much..." Arin murmured against Dan's mouth, already regretting saying those words aloud. Before, he could at least keep up the pretense of just being friendly to keep Dan at arm’s length, for the sake of his own emotions and for the sake of being out in public. Now, he wanted nothing more than to take all of Dan he could bear, emotions that had laid dormant for so long bursting up to the surface and threatening to drown him.

 

"I've missed you too, big cat...so fucking much..."

 

Arin's body gave a hard shiver as he felt Dan's hand curl against his side, urging him closer.

 

Dan exhaled shakily, like he was having just as much trouble holding the feelings as bay as his kisses lingered over his lips, holding back anything more until Arin showed him how much was too much. He wished Dan didn't put all the responsibility on him to set the pace or give any indication to stop. He just wanted more and he wasn't sure he could bring himself to be the bigger, more honorable man. At the moment, he wasn’t feeling very honorable.

 

"Just...hold me for a sec...I want..."

 

Arin didn't wait for Dan to continue as he held onto Dan, unable to see him to clearly in the dark but feeling blindly, his hands making out the dimensions of Dan's body while Dan's own cool hands rested on his shoulders as he pulled Dan's thin body against his chest, almost gasping aloud as he felt Dan's heartbeat against the barrier of his shirt.

 

Dan's breath puffed against his face as he chuckled, low. “You feel that?”

 

“What?”

 

“My heart is beating like crazy right now...goddamn…”

 

Arin shivered afresh as Dan's fingers encircled around his wrist, guiding his hand over to his chest, right over his heart, feeling it beat against his sweaty palm. 

 

Arin squeezed his eyes shut, fighting back tears of different feelings: love, hope, and guilt.

 

"Dan...just...fucking...kiss me, _please_..." he pleaded, his voice breaking into plaintive pieces but Dan was quickly diving back down, going over his face with exploring, loving kisses. As Dan's hands felt along his body, Arin's cheeks flared with embarrassment, making him pull backward.

 

"S-sorry, I got kinda...fat," he muttered. 

 

Dan made a questioning murmur, passing back over his sides, over his love handles and circling around to the front to his stomach. "Hang on."

 

Arin blinked with disorientation as Dan pulled away, grunting under his breath before Arin winced as the backseat became flooded with light.

 

Dan sat back down with a sigh, looking Arin up and down, making Arin hunch over and shrink at his gaze.

 

"Arin, baby. Look at me."

 

Arin's eyes darted up, meeting Dan's gaze, warm and loving. He also realized that the position they were in now, Dan was kneeling right in between his opened thighs.

 

"Heh...I should tell you..." Dan leaned over, petting Arin's inner thigh with feather-soft touches, making his breath catch and his toes curl against the worn bottoms of his sandals as Dan's breath danced against his heated skin. "I kind of like something to grab onto..."

 

"Oh fuck..." he sobbed, wrapping his arms around Dan's shoulders and pulling him into a feverish kiss, so desperate for more he started quaking against Dan's body, earning him quiet shushes.

 

"It's okay, baby girl, it's okay..."

 

He hated it: hated how he was willing to throw everything away with Suzy, everything they had together for all these years for this: willing to debase himself and be Dan's baby girl once more just for a few moments in the backseat of Dan's car. He hadn’t even planned anything more than kissing but now that the opportunity was there, he wanted more; wanted Dan deep inside him and thought of it wore away at him like a caustic acid.

 

"Dan, I!...I have a girlfriend..." he choked out. 

 

Just like that, it was over. Dan started to pull away and Arin crumbled in on himself, pulling away and curling into a humiliated ball.

 

"Oh...I...okay..."

 

For a few moments, there was nothing but the sound of each other's breathing calming down before Dan spoke again. "Is it...serious?"

 

Arin nodded, turning away from Dan. "Uh huh. I just...I don't want to lie to you."

 

Dan sighed heavily. "Well...I'd much rather you be honest with me than lie to me. Hey...it's okay, big cat..."

 

Arin mewled as Dan's arms pulled him into a sideways hug, patting him on the back and shushing him again as he made pathetic hiccuping noises against Dan's chest. He wasn't crying, though he was afraid he might actually start doing it for real.

 

"I’m sorry. I misjudged just how much I missed you, being around you.” Arin closed his eyes as Dan idly threaded his fingers through his hair. “I really just bottled it all up and thought ‘One day I’ll know what to do with this’. God, Arin, I was such a mess when I left Florida, you have no idea…” Dan pulled him close, his hand falling to Arin’s side. “But...I meant what I said before...no matter what happens, I want us to start all over, even if it’s just we just start over as friends.” He cast his eyes downwards. “I don’t want to come in between you and your girlfriend. I’ve...been there, been the cheater and one cheated on and neither is something I want to repeat." 

 

Arin looked up briefly. “Really?”

 

“Yeah, I…” Dan sighed and shook his head. “I don’t want to talk about it. It’s definitely not something I’m proud of.”

 

With a sigh of finality, Arin gave a nod.  “Okay.” He swallowed the lump in his throat. “We can...just be friends.”

 

As soon as he said the words aloud, his heart dropped into a dark, nasty hole as he curled against Dan’s chest.

 

_Why did I have to open my big stupid mouth?_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wish I could say this is the last of the angst but...one more chapter of it. Stay tuned.


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